I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
are you so shy because you have an std?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
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For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
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Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
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