Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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