Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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