I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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