So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
