It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
