I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
