One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
