Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
