I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
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