the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
