Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
