i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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