I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You are the jesus of drinking
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
