I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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