dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
