do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
