When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
