we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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