Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
