Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
