and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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