I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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