How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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