It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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