Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
you never un-have a 4some
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
