my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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