woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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