Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
