Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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