Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
