the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.