I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes