i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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