wrigley field is MILF paradise
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
