if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
