Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
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He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
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I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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