when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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