Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
