I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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