In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff