so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
