She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
