ya dads aren't the best wingmen
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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