I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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