I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
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I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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