it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
