if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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