You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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