walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
