so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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