I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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