between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Acid is not a monday night drug
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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