i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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