Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
