It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
