I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
