My nipple is on Facebook.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
